Anxiety Problems Solved

Here in the UK it’s that time of winter when the inevitable happens. We all know it’s likely to happen and yet, as usual, we’re all totally unprepared for it.

What am I talking about?

SNOW, of course!

I don’t know what it is about snow and the UK but the two just don’t seem to go together!

It’s winter, so of course there’s a chance that we’ll get a really cold spell and that it will snow. The thing is, though, that every time it happens, we never seem to learn from it. The “bad” weather makes the headlines on the tv news and there’s countless stories about roads being blocked, flights being cancelled, schools being closed, and so on.

In short, life just seems to grind to a halt. It may be a pretty, white, and very scenic halt but it’s a halt nevertheless.

I live on the coast in England so our area is not usually as badly affected by bad weather as the more central parts of the country are but, even so, it’s been fascinating to observe what’s been going on this week.

It’s like life just stops. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s really weird. It’s like all of the usual, everyday, routine that we all get stuck into almost unconsciously just stops – or at least it takes a bit of a back seat.

And, even stranger, is that it seems as if it doesn’t matter. The pressure is off and we all slow down. How weird is that?

It’s as if we all become obsessed with watching the weather reports, looking out of the window, fretting about what state the roads are in, making sure we have enough food in the house.

Now, I’m not knocking people who are concerned about if they can get to work. I understand that travel conditions can be difficult. No, what I was more fascinated by was the way that our priorities change – and it’s all dictated by the weather!

So what’s this got to do with anxiety (apart from the obvious anxiousness about safe travel, elderly relatives, etc.)?

Well, I was thinking about how, quite often, we find ourselves unable to change our lives until we are forced to do so by circumstances. For example, it’s very hard to quit a well paid job to start up your own business. It’s just too risky. Isn’t that what we’d say to ourselves?

Yet, if you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being made redundant, then that can be the shove that you need to get that new business of yours on the road and moving. You’ve got to earn a living somehow. So maybe it wasn’t such an unfortunate thing to happen to you after all!

It’s the same with anxiety.

We can find ourselves “trapped” in the same old treadmill of life, going round and round, repeating old habits and never quite managing to move on.

But watch what happens when something changes in your life, something that you didn’t expect to happen. It could be anything, anything at all. Maybe a relationship ending or perhaps a new one starting. Maybe it’s that redundancy I spoke about, or perhaps a promotion, a new colleague at work, a new friend, an interesting new club you’ve heard of, a change to your health, a problem in the family, even a bereavement.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a large or small change. What matters is the way it can alter your life path, your life routines, even if it’s by only the smallest of degrees.

Such life changes can have quite an effect on the path that you take. Maybe at the time you might resist such a change, thinking that it was not right for you, but quite often we can look back on these events and see how things turned out for the best in the end.

Life will takes its various twists and turns whether we help it along or not, we all know that. But the great thing is that you can be in control, if you choose.

You can choose to be the person who makes those small changes and alters the path of your life. You don’t have to wait until life does it for you (especially if it’s a long while coming). You can do it yourself, one small step at a time, and reap the results.

Yes, I know you probably know this already but I think it bears repeating that if you really want to move on from anxiety, then it’s you that’s in charge of making that move. No one else is going to do it for you. Yes, friends and family may help along the way, best they can, but at the end of the day the responsibility is yours.

And do you know what? It’s really not such a heavy burden to have because you can make those changes by simply taking just one tiny step at a time.

Sorry I didn’t have time last week to give you that other little exercise that I talked about a couple of weeks ago.

I was going to tell you about an exercise that you can do with your fingers.

Now you might think it sounds a bit odd to be doing a finger exercise if you’re struggling with high anxiety. After all, it was only last week that I was talking to you about a breathing exercise that has been shown to help you to calm down and to stop you from over focusing on what’s happening with your breathing.

However, this is just a little extra something that you might find helpful to use as a distraction. I call it “Finger Walking”. Here’s what you need to do:

Put your right thumb tip against your left index finger tip then, over the top of the ones that are touching, put your left thumb tip against your right index fingertip.

Then start over again, bringing the right thumb and left index finger over the top once again. Keep “walking” them together over and over, getting a rhythm going.

Does this sound silly to you?

Good, because it is!

But it’s also highly effective.

The reason I’m suggesting that you do something “silly” like this is that, while you’re concentrating on keeping your fingers going and getting faster, hopefully your mind is not focusing on your breathing, which is exactly what you want.

The breathing exercise that I mentioned last week is fairly effective on its own at calming you down but if you combine it with an extra little exercise like this one (or anything else that you want to do to focus your attention) then it can be a really good distraction for your mind.

And as an even sillier “bonus”, if you get really good at this you can move on to walking your thumbs along all of your finger tips and then back again to the index fingers. Now speed it up and see if you can keep it going!

Yes, I know it sounds daft, all of this, but think about it . . . Suddenly you find that you’re getting into a panic or you’re suddenly feeling really anxious. Next thing you know you find that you’re too aware of your breathing – which leads to you feeling even more anxious.

Now imagine that somebody came up to you while you’ve got all of this going on in your head. Imagine that they took hold of your hands and started touching each of your fingertips with theirs, one at a time.

I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Eloise, you’ve gone mad! That just ISN’T going to happen.”

No, of course it’s not. Well it’s highly unlikely, anyway! But stick with me on this idea please. It is leading somewhere, I promise.

Ok, so back to that imaginary situation . . .

So if this imaginary person has taken hold of your hands, what are you going to be thinking?

Of course it could be any one of a number of things but one thing’s for sure. I bet it will have taken your mind off your breathing. The surprise element will have done that for you, for sure.

Now while unfortunately I can’t promise that such a person will be there to do this at just the right moment for you, what I do know is that if you make a conscious decision to do this finger-walking exercise yourself as soon as you start fretting about your breathing, you will be forced to focus your attention on your fingers and away from your lungs.

And what does shifting your focus of attention like that do to your breathing? It puts it back on automatic pilot, of course, which is exactly what you want.

It’s as simple as that!

So, silly as it sounds, maybe you might like to give this idea a try. Even if you’re out in a public place when you start to feel anxious it doesn’t mean that you still can’t do it. Be discreet. Put your fingers behind your back if need be or perhaps try a one-handed version while your hands are in your pockets. If hands are really not an option, try flexing your toes one at a time or working through various joints in your body, flexing and relaxing them one at a time.

I’ll leave the variations up to your imagination!

As promised, this week I’m going to give you the breathing exercise that I told you about last time, the one that my reader, Sandra, found helpful.

First though, once again, my apologies to any readers who feel that I am repeating myself here. Yes, I know I am.

I know that I often remind you of this exercise but I also know that sometimes we need to be reminded of the things that can be helpful with anxiety even if deep down inside we already know this information. I certainly find that I appreciate it when somebody reminds me of the things that I KNOW I should already be doing!

Also, I like to include it every now and then for any new readers who have not been with me for that long.

So here goes . . .

This is an exercise that you will find helpful when you experience what Sandra did – that feeling of over concentrating on your breathing, which is nearly always followed by a feeling that you’re not able to breathe in enough air with each breath. You are no longer breathing naturally but are instead in a heightened state of awareness, focusing on every breath and whether it’s “good enough”.

To get yourself out of this situation you need to start breathing properly again. Try the following exercise to help you on your way:

Relax your shoulders as much as you possibly can.

Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose (make sure you’re not using your mouth). Place a hand on your abdomen and feel it expand as your chest rises just a little bit.

Then, breathe out slowly through your mouth. Keeping your jaw relaxed, pucker up your lips just a little bit. You should be able to hear a gentle whooshing sound as the air escapes from your mouth as you breathe out.

Keep breathing in this way, concentrating on the rise of your abdomen and then on the whoosh of your out breath, breathing in this way for several minutes if you need to.

You can do this exercise anywhere, any time. It doesn’t matter where you are or if you are sitting down, standing up or lying down.

Perhaps you think that this is too simple an exercise and that it won’t work, but most anxiety sufferers find it very successful.

If you think about how you are when you are fast asleep, you’ll know that you will be breathing normally at that time, on ‘automatic pilot’. This is because your conscious mind will not be thinking about it. The problems only start when you are awake and consciously thinking about your breathing, usually focussing far too much on it for your own good.

Think about when you are really engrossed in something. Do you ever have a breathing problem at times like that? Probably not, because you’re too busy concentrating on what you’re concentrating on!

You can look at different times in your life and see when you have breathing problems and when you don’t. Look for the connection between what you were doing at the time when you had problems and whether you have these problems when you’re busy doing something else.

Anxiety is all about patterns, both in the way we behave and the thoughts that we have. So get into the habit of looking for the patterns in your life and then concentrate on changing those patterns.

I think that’s perhaps enough for you to be taking on board this week so I’ll leave the other little exercise until next time. I hope you don’t mind.

This week I want to share the experiences of one of my readers with you.

To maintain anonymity I will refer to her as Sandra, rather than using her real name. I hope you are able to understand the reasons behind me doing that.

Anyway, Sandra got in touch with me a few weeks ago to ask for some help with how to cope with the anxiety that she was experiencing. She’s been dealing with anxiety and panic for over a year now. When she first had a panic attack, she knew immediately what it was and thought that it had been caused by her being under stress.

The strange thing is that she was fine for several months after that incident, until one time when she found she had a lot of free time on her hands. She had a thought about the panic attack again and started to feel anxious straight away. Since then, the anxiety has been ongoing and she has been seeking help for it.

Here’s what Sandra said about it all:

“My doctor did a full check up of my heart and lungs, which are both fine, so she diagnosed me with anxiety. I visit a local headspace centre where I see a therapist. He helps a lot in teaching me why my thoughts cause these symptoms. After a few weeks he said I was doing great, which I was at the time, and said that I no longer have to see him, but I can come back if I ever need to.”

“I’ve been able to manage my anxiety quite well throughout the year although I find myself having setbacks (major panic attacks) every so often. For weeks I feel absolutely anxiety and panic free, until I have one thought about my breathing and I think I’m going to die.  I now have constant chest tightness and feel as thought I can’t get air into my lungs. I don’t live a very stressful life so I don’t think that could be any triggers, it’s just this darn thought about not being able to breathe and then bam, a panic attack happens. I find myself manually breathing (this is what I call it) or monitoring my breathing a lot and really wish I could take my mind off it for good.”

I gave Sandra an example of a breathing exercise that she could do to help take her mind off her breathing and focus her attention elsewhere. After all, she already knew that it was the conscious thinking about her breathing (and then worrying about it) that was leading to her feeling anxious.

I was glad to hear from her that the exercise had been useful.

She told me, “The breathing exercise was a success for me. While I was laying down last night I began to have trouble with my breathing again as I was having difficulty taking my mind off it, but I relaxed and breathed as you described. After a little while I was able to breathe easy again.”

Now you’d be forgiven for thinking that this was a success story I’m telling you here. But you know that life isn’t always that easy and after a while Sandra’s anxiety returned but this time there was a difference.

Sandra said, “I’ve had a panic attack each day since, but I feel each one is less intense than the last. I actually didn’t have an attack today, although my anxiety was high for a few hours. My chest was extremely tight and so uncomfortable I felt I was close to a panic attack. Although I’ve been practicing letting the sensation remain and not try fight it away as I know that leads to more anxiety, and it actually worked. After just letting the feeling be while I preoccupied myself the tightness subsided and then vanished.”

Can you see the difference here?

With Sandra’s very first panic attack, she was understandably extremely anxious and stressed. That’s only natural.

Then she saw a therapist who taught her that it is her thoughts and reactions that lead to the symptoms that she experiences. I think this is the hardest thing to understand about anxiety. It’s very easy to assume that this is just “happening” to you but the truth is that it is the thoughts that you are having that are behind it all.

Once you are able to accept that as a fact, you have already taken your first steps to recovery. Now, it’s not always easy. We all know that, but it’s something that you need to work with and be aware of all of the time.

As Sandra said to me, “What worked for me was that I just immediately got over the panic attack and forgot about it, but sometimes it’s not that easy.”

So bear that in mind, please. Yes, there may very well be setbacks along the way but it certainly doesn’t mean that you are not making any progress.

Finally, I’d like to thank Sandra very much for letting me share her story with you. I know that she would love to be of any help to anyone struggling with anxiety and panic, and I really appreciate her giving me permission to pass on her words.

Next week I’ll be giving you that breathing exercise that I mentioned earlier, and I’ll also throw in another little exercise that Sandra found helpful.

Do you ever have something happen in your life that makes you stop in your tracks?

I don’t necessarily mean something serious, just something that stops you and has an impact on your life. Here’s what happened to me this week . . .

I had an email sent to me which said this (and please excuse the language – I am quoting exactly):

“Hahaha, your site is bulls**t, take it down.”

That was it. Short and to the point!

Now why am I telling you this? I’ll tell you why. It’s because it made me stop and think about the way that we react to things in our lives, and how that reaction can sometimes be either very over the top or almost automatic.

Ok, so when I read that silly email I thought to myself, “Hmmm, that’s not a very nice thing to say. Why would anyone say something like that, especially to someone they didn’t know?”

And yes, I’m afraid I did take it rather personally – for a while. I thought to myself, “I know my website isn’t brilliant and top notch but, hey, I didn’t think it was THAT bad.”

Within only a few seconds, insecurities had crept in and I began to doubt my own abilities at writing and getting my message across to all of you anxiety sufferers out there. How stupid is that?

And yet, that is how the human mind frequently works, I’m afraid. It focuses in on the negative, doubtful stuff and manages to completely ignore all of the good, positive stuff. Somehow I had managed to completely forget the fact that, in all the time that I have been writing this newsletter for anxiety sufferers (and I’m talking years here rather than just months) I’ve never had even one complaint or criticism.

I also “forgot” all of the people who have emailed me over the years to thank me for what I do, and those that have told me how much they value the help that I have given them.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not telling you that to make me sound “big” or self-righteous. I’m merely using it as a way of showing you how quickly the stream of negativity can whoosh in and sweep over everything positive in your life in a matter of seconds.

So here’s the thing . . .

You need to bear this all in mind as you go about your day to day life because it’s extremely easy to let other people’s comments affect you and knock you sideways.

As an example, you might feel that you are doing really well on your journey to put anxiety behind you. Then somebody might say something to you, maybe only a casual remark, but perhaps you take it the wrong way or you misinterpret their meaning. Then before you know it, maybe you feel as if you’ve gone back ten steps or, even worse, perhaps you then feel that you’re “never going to make it” and you decide there and then to give up.

“It’s not worth the effort,” you say to yourself or maybe you think, “I just can’t do this any more.”

And why? Just because of one comment from someone who perhaps really doesn’t have the first clue about your life, or doesn’t even care perhaps?

Think about it . . . Is that what it’s going to take to make you give up? Just one comment that was cast aside in a matter of seconds, but is lingering within you for far, far longer.

Yes, of course it’s ok to react negatively to start with. We’re only human and, for most people, it would be extremely difficult to let such a thing brush off you without reacting to it at all. That’s not in most people’s natures.

But that’s where it has to stop. Don’t let the initial negative thoughts linger. Don’t let them stay with you for the rest of the day, or the rest of the week.

Did you know that there are some people living their lives still hanging on to “bad” things that were said to them not years ago but DECADES ago? Just think what that sort of emotional baggage can do to you, having to drag that around year after year!

So don’t let that be you. Be aware of your thoughts and how you react to “negative” things that happen in your life. Be aware of if you are letting such things stay with you or if you are able to let them pass over you.

When it comes to reducing the anxiety in your life, this ability to let things brush over you is vital to your progress. So do please make an effort to really work on this issue.

Learn from my example this week. The phrase “Like water off a duck’s back” comes to mind. So make sure that you are “well-oiled” when it comes to ignoring the things that you really don’t need to hear from other people!

Last week I was talking about slowly taking down your ‘wall of anxiety’, one brick at a time.

Since then, I’ve thought more about that idea and how I could help you to take a few bricks out. Here’s one thought that came to me.

You see, the thing is that quite often we add to our anxiety by thinking too much about other people and worrying about how they might perceive us. I think we all do this to a certain degree but anxiety sufferers tend to have it down to a fine art!

So I wondered if this little example might help you to see things a little clearer.

I know it’s not easy to try not to worry about what other people might think about you but do remember that such worrying is only adding to your problems and not helping them.

Yes, I know it’s easy for me to sit here and say “Who cares what they think? What does it matter?” because I know that it’s still a big deal for you.

 I’ve been there too, remember?

But it really is something that you should be aiming for if you possibly can.

Maybe a good way to start would be to turn the tables around, so to speak.

Think of somebody you know . . .  anybody, it doesn’t matter who. You don’t have to know them that well.

Then think of something about them that you might be judgmental about. Again, it doesn’t matter what it is (and I appreciate that this is difficult to do if you’re not a judgmental sort of person but give it your best shot anyway).

Let’s say that John always wears trousers that are too short for him. (‘Jack Ups’, aren’t they called? That’s what my kids reliably inform me!) So every time you see him you think that his trousers look silly and don’t flatter him. What do you do about it? Do you tell him? I bet you don’t. You’re probably not that sort of person.

He’d probably feel quite embarrassed or offended if you said anything to him anyway, so you’d rather keep quiet on the subject.

Ok, so the situation is that you have an opinion about John but you don’t ever say it to him.

So how do you think he feels about your opinion?

What do you mean, ‘I don’t know’?

Why, of course you don’t know because he doesn’t even know about your opinion because you haven’t said anything to him! And you’re probably not ever going to.

Now let’s swap this around.

Maybe someone has an opinion about you. However, they don’t say it to you so you don’t know what they’re thinking or even if they’re thinking anything about you at all.

How do you feel?

I should hope you don’t feel anything because there’s actually nothing to feel anything about, is there? You don’t know what or even if they’re thinking anything about you so what’s the point of dwelling on it?

If the day ever comes when they say something to your face, that’s the time to deal with it and respond to it, not now. Don’t use up your precious time and energy thinking about the ‘What ifs’.

Does that make sense to you?

Constantly thinking about what others may think about you is futile and soul destroying, it really is.

So the best way to get control of this aspect of your anxiety is to make a real effort to change how you feel about other people judging you. Again, I know it won’t be easy but give it a try, one step at a time.

One ‘brick’ at a time – that’s all it takes.

Practice this. Practice, practice and practice again!

Stay focused on where you’re heading and deal with just one thing at a time.

Again, it may not be easy at first but this stuff really does get easier in time, I promise. So stick with it, please.

Happy New Year to you!

Yes, here we are again at the start of another brand new year. I don’t know about you but I felt that 2011 went past even quicker than ever. Is it an illusion or is the time REALLY speeding up?

Now, I wonder . . . Do you make New Year’s resolutions every year?

I know that a lot of people do and I also know that a great many people (quite possibly the majority) don’t manage to stick to them. Why? I suspect that maybe it is that they are trying to change too many things at once in their lives or are trying to make changes that are too big and they are expecting instant results.

You and I both know that it takes time to change things, and dealing with anxiety is no exception to this.

I hope you know by now that the best way to move on from anxiety is to make small changes in your every day life.

Getting up tomorrow morning and simply saying “I’m not going to have anxiety any more,” more than likely isn’t going to work – unless you experience a miracle!

But getting up tomorrow morning and making one small change to your everyday life, followed by another small change the following week, and another the week after, and so on IS going to make a difference.

You might not notice it at first. In fact, it might take several weeks before you see any changes in your life and, even then, you might consider these to be very small changes.

But just remember how you got saddled with this anxiety problem to start with. It more than likely didn’t appear overnight. No, it would have built gradually in your life, like building a wall brick by brick. A brick added here by the way you reacted to a certain situation, a brick added there by a particular thought that you had – this is how the wall of anxiety normally appears in your life.

Sure, if you knew the magic trick, you could take a sledgehammer and knock that wall down in one go. Wham! Gone! But if it’s a wall that you’ve been hiding behind for quite some time, you might feel really exposed if that wall goes down suddenly. Knock it down instantly and there’s nowhere to hide – and perhaps you would feel that there is nothing to ‘protect’ you any more in this world.

It’s far better then to take that wall down one brick at a time. Take it down slowly, as slowly as you like. A brick here, a brick there – maybe even just one brick a fortnight if that’s what you feel happy with.

Take it down slowly and I promise you that you’ll hardly see it going. Then one day, the last brick will go and you’ll suddenly realise that not only is the wall of anxiety gone but you’ll realise that you didn’t really see it going. One brick at a time can be so subtle that you can make big changes to your life in such a slow and steady way that you don’t feel at all threatened by what is changing in your life.

So how about it?

Are you ready to start taking your wall down, one brick at a time?

At the start of this new year, take some time to sit quietly and think about what you really want for yourself.

Are you ready to tackle your anxiety this year? I mean REALLY tackle it.

Are you ready to do what it takes, no matter how long the process is, to take that wall apart once and for all?

Or would you rather take the easy option and carry on as you are?

The choice is yours. No one else can make this decision for you.

Just remember though, if you decide to go in for some demolishing this year, I’ll be here for you, every step of the way!

I hope you had a good Christmas and that you and your loved ones had the festive season that you had hoped for. It’s still the holiday season so I’ll keep it short this week.

As much as I love Christmas, I have to confess that I also love this “in between” time, the week between Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. My son calls it “Lazy Week”, mostly because we tend to back away from doing as much of the household chores as possible, minimise the cooking and thoroughly enjoy feasting on the leftovers!

Whilst I enjoy that “laziness” once in a while, the other reason that I love it is because it’s an ideal time to step back from the daily routine and to be able to take a fresh look at our lives, looking back on what we weren’t happy about from the previous year and looking forward to how we would like to do things differently in the coming year.

I also tend to use it as a time to have a good clear out at home, sorting through cupboards and drawers and making sure that I really do want to keep everything that’s been kept for this past year. For me, it’s a time for taking stock (both of possessions and of my life), and for making new plans.

We all seem to be so busy the rest of the year that a lot of these things just never happen. We can’t “justify” allocating the time to certain tasks or maybe we feel guilty at putting aside other tasks to get these certain things done at last. Either way, that’s one of the reasons why I tend to do my mental “spring clean” at this time of year.

(Maybe it’s hereditary! My mother feels exactly the same way at this time of year and does the very same thing!)

Anyway, if you too are having a bit of a “stock take” I wish you well with it. I’d love to hear if you have any particular ways of moving on from the old year into the new.

By the way, if you’re off to any New Year’s parties over the next few days don’t forget what I said the other week about choosing ‘Option 3’ in any given situation. (If you haven’t read that particular newsletter or if you are new to reading this, please check out the entry for December 15th 2011 on my blog www.anxietyproblemssolved.com/blog )

Of course, that ‘Option 3’ applies to a whole lot of situations, not just parties! Why not become super observant and see just how many times you catch yourself going for Option 1 or 2 instead?

It’s nearly Christmas and here in the UK there’s that last minute “rush” feeling to the season, with the inevitable feeling that there’s still plenty more that needs to be done and not enough hours to do it in.

So this week I’m not going to talk on for ages. If you are celebrating Christmas then I figure you have enough things to do already at this late stage without having to read a lengthy newsletter as well.

What I will say though is that, no matter how busy you are at the moment, do make sure that you’re doing your very best to keep your anxiety levels as low as possible.

I say this every year but it bears repeating.

I know that the media loves to present the image of a perfect Christmas and that it’s easy to feel under pressure to live up to that image. However, I want you to remember that things don’t have to be “perfect” for them to wonderful and enjoyable. In fact, the opposite is sometimes very true.

When my children were small I found that the lower the expectations we had from Christmas each year and the lower we set our sights, the better the time we all had. Yes, it’s true. It really was like that for us as a family. As soon as we took the perfection pressure off ourselves we relaxed and really enjoyed every moment of the season.

So what I’m saying is, please don’t set your sights so high and put yourself under so much unnecessary pressure that you find yourself getting extremely anxious. That’s not going to help anybody and it’s certainly not going to lead to you really enjoying your Christmas.

So relax, cool it a little and just go with the flow.

May I wish you and your loved ones a very Happy and Peaceful Christmas.

How did the party go last week, once I’d set you up with that little amnesia exercise?

Yes, I know what you’re saying. If only it was that easy, to be able to just wipe out all anxious memories of the past and start with a clean slate. Ok, I hear what you’re saying, so this week let’s have a look at some social situations and see how your thoughts could be leading you astray.

Let’s get back to that party invitation from last week (but without the amnesia this time, ok?).

So let’s assume that you’ve accepted the invitation, it’s the evening of the party and you’re getting ready to go out. Maybe you’re trying to decide what to wear.

Now if your decisions about clothes were made purely “in the now” then all you’d be thinking about would be how you look in your reflection in the mirror.

But if you were thinking about the past you might be thinking about the last time you wore that dress/shirt/hat and what reactions you got back then. Maybe they were unfavourable reactions.

Or if you were thinking about the future, maybe you’re worrying about whether you’ll be wearing the right type of thing or whether you’ll feel self conscious about your choice of clothes.

So you have the three options:
1. Get changed with all the accompanying worries from your past.
2. Get changed with all the accompanying worries about your future.
3. Get changed “in the now” and just go smoothly with the flow of the moment.

Which one sounds the most pleasant?

So now that you know that, in each situation in your life, you have three options, let’s apply them to your trip to the party.

Let’s say you’ve made it through the door, you’ve got a drink in your hand and you’re quietly standing by the buffet table, nibbling on the sausage rolls and peanuts.

Hang on though. There’s that really cool chap/girl that you’ve fancied from afar for quite some time now . . . and they’re heading straight for you!! Eek!! What are you going to do? You know this is a situation that’s going to make you feel really anxious.

Think of your three options.

Think of the three ways that you can live each moment of your life. It’s your choice but I think we’ve already proven that option 3 is the only sensible way to go.

So if you find that your mind is already skipping back to past times when you really messed up big time socially with a really cool girl/guy then ‘CANCEL!’

‘Cancel’ right now!

Or if you find that your mind is racing ahead and worrying that you might slip up and mess things up, then ‘CANCEL!’

‘Cancel’ right now!

Focus, focus, focus on the now.

If you could only keep your mind on the “now” and not let it stray one little bit, then you might just find that the situation that you instantly felt anxious about (thanks to your subconscious’s ever present warning system) turns out to be really enjoyable.

Soak it all in. Soak in every moment of what is happening to you right now. What is that special person saying to you? Are they smiling? Do the corners of their eyes crinkle up when they smile? What are they drinking? What are they wearing?

What’s that? They’re paying you a compliment? Fantastic! Soak it up. Enjoy it. Appreciate it. I tell you, the only time to accept a compliment and really enjoy it is in the now!

We lose so much of our lives because we don’t concentrate on the now.

Have you ever driven home “on auto pilot” and not remembered any of the journey? You didn’t crash the car so you must have driven safely but I bet your mind was elsewhere.

We do this all of the time.

Have you ever left the house and then had to pop back quickly to make sure that you’d locked the back door/turned the gas off/got your car keys/put the answer phone on, etc.? If you’d put your mind on the job in hand then you’d have been certain that you had done and there would have been no need to go back and double check.

Think about it – and make a promise to yourself that you’re going to live more of your life in the present moment. I think you’ll be amazed at how much of a difference it can make to the way you feel.